I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize