Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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