I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
