dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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