Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
