my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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