How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
