I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
