This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
