Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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