nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
sarcasm needs its own font
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
