Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
