Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
