Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
