There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
