You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
