apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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