If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
whose ass print is on the piano?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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