I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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