I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
