just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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