Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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