i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
