Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We have so much sex to catch up on
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
