My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
