How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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