could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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