I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
