You work out of a Hotel?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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