you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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