he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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