i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
