if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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