May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
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