She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
