So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I should be sponsored by Trojan
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
