Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
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