capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
