I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
