If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
you made out with another girl for some wings
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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