speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
