the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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