it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
