It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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