Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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