living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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