So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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