I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
