A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
