I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
