Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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